You and I Collide
by TVJunkie1013
Summary: HawkeyeBJ. SLASH! Even the best fall down sometimes...


**Title:** You and I (Collide)  
**Author:** Lisa M  
**Pairing:** BJ/Hawkeye  
**Rating:** T  
**Disclaimer:** Nope...don't own anything, not even the song. Howie Day owns that. Don't sue...no money.  
**Archive:** Anywhere...just let me know.  
**Feedback:** Would be, like, totally awesome!  
**Summary:** Even the best fall down sometimes...

**A/N:** I'm not real sure about this one...not completely happy with it. I love everything about this song and thought that it was a perfect match for BJ and Hawkeye. I just don't know if I did it or them justice with this fic... Maybe you'll think differently.

* * *

_The dawn is breaking  
A light shining through  
You're barely waking  
And I'm tangled up in you_

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember a time before now. Before Korea. And before Hawkeye. There are times when I have to force images of Peg...of Erin...into my head. I have to make myself remember them. And sometimes, it's almost impossible to replace his face with theirs.

I place my arms around Hawkeye as much as I can, and squeeze him gently. He stirs in his sleep and mumbles my name.

The sun will be up soon. Charles is coming back today. This is the last time we'll be alone for a while, and I want to hold on to him for as long as I can. I don't know when I'll have another chance. The scariest part of this whole thing is that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to let him go...

And someday, even though just the thought of it nearly kills me, I know I will have to.

_I'm open, you're closed  
__Where I'll follow, you'll go  
__I worry I won't see your face  
__Light up again  
_

"What time is it?" I ask with a yawn.

"Still early," BJ responds softly.

His warm breath against my hair gives me the shivers. Lately, I've found I can't control myself around him. Neither my body...nor my emotions. I used to be so strong, so sure of myself. Not anymore. I'm weak around him. Completely unable to hold myself together.

I feel myself becoming aroused and try to stop it from happening. I can't. Not with him so near. So warm. So hard against my back. Over time, I know that BJ has become more and more aware of the effect he has on me and as a result, he slips his hand over my arm and down my stomach.

"We still have some time...before Charles gets back."

It takes all the strength I have, but I grab his hand and pull it away from my erection. I place it over my heart and squeeze it tightly against me.

"No. I want to talk."

"Talk? 'Bout what?"

"This."

BJ tenses behind me, just as I knew he would. The last thing I want right now if for him to run away. I don't know that I'll ever be able to work up the nerve to say what I have to say again. I trace the back of his hand with my fingertips and he relaxes.

"Okay," he replies quietly. "Let's talk."

"I need to say some things, and I just want you to listen to me." I roll over and face him. He knows what I'm going to say. I can read it in his expression.

"I'll listen."

_Even the best fall down sometimes  
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme  
Out of the doubt that fills my mind  
I somehow find you and I collide_

"I know that sometimes you think that this - situation - is only about sex for me. Don't look at me like that, BJ, because I know it's true. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it has always been more than just a physical thing between us. From the very beginning, it was different than what I'd experienced before. With Trapper, it was purely..."

BJ's muscles constrict again.

I know I've fucked up by bringing up the "T" word. You'd think I would know better by know. What can I say? I'm an idiot.

I kiss him softly and place my fingers against his clenched jaw. After a few feathery strokes, his face loosens.

"Sorry."

He nods and I try to continue.

_"_This war brought us together and we became friends. That friendship deepened into something more. And now, here we are."

"I know that, Hawk." He laughs softly. "I'm right here, next to you..."

"Beej, I can't stop thinking about you! It makes no difference where I am. What I'm doing. Here, the mess tent, post-op. Even in OR. You're the only thing that is in my head these days."

_I'm quiet, you know  
You make a first impression  
I've found I'm scared to know  
I'm always on your mind  
_

I know he's waiting for me to say something... anything.

And I wish I could. But I'm a coward. I'm afraid.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to yell it out for the world to hear. How much I love him...want him. Christ, how much I need him! I want to tell Hawkeye what he needs to hear from me...

But, I can't.

_Even the best fall down sometimes  
Even the stars refuse to shine  
Out of the back you fall in time  
Somehow find you and I collide_

I have a wife. I have a daughter. And when this stupid war is over, and I get to leave this place...to go back home to them...I need to be theirs. Completely. I can't be back here...with him.

As much as I want to be.

"Hawk..."

"You don't need to say anything, BJ."

"I know, but I still want you to understand..."

"I do. More than you know. You have Peg and Erin waiting for you."

"It's not just that, Hawk. If I say how I feel, out loud. If I admit to what I need and what I want, I'm terrified that I'll never be able to let you go. I'll be here forever. And I just can't...do that. To them."

Hawkeye leans in and presses his lips to mine. I wrap my arms around him so tightly that we almost become one person. I feel tears forming in my eyes. All my feelings begin to pour out in twin streams that flow down my cheeks. I don't even make an attempt to stop them.

There's a reason why I can't tell Hawkeye how I feel, but I can show him with my tears.

"It's okay. It's alright."

Hawkeye, his lips still connected to mine, repeats those two simple phrases over and over again. I weave my fingers into his silky hair and pull him in, deepening our kiss.

When he slides his tongue into my mouth, I know there's no turning back.

_Don't stop here  
I've lost my place  
I'm close behind  
_

I watch BJ as he leaves the Swamp. He glances back once and smiles at me. I smile back, but my own tears begin to fall once he's gone.

It's so hard, you know, to be in love with someone who you can't have a future with. I know BJ loves me, even if he never says it. And I understand why he doesn't. My mind, you see, is logical. My heart, unfortunately, is not. And no matter what I tell myself, it still hurts. A lot.

BJ belongs to someone else. He always will. But here, in this place, sometimes he allows himself to be mine. I can see it in his eyes.

And those small moments, when he gives himself to me, are the only things keeping me alive.

_Even the best fall down sometimes  
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme  
Out of the doubt that fills your mind  
You finally find, you and I collide.  
_

The End


End file.
